If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
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