Safe cracker | |
| The local bank near a large prison had a problem opening their safe one day. Seems that the mechanisms working the combination failed, so they called the prison to seek help. The prison had a convicted safe cracker in custody. They released him under guard and took him to the bank to see if he could open their safe. The convict worked on the lock for quite a while but finally he was able to open the safe. The bank president was delighted to see his safe opened without having to have it ruined in the process, he turned to the safe cracker and said, "Thanks for helping us out here, how much do we owe you?" The safe cracker replied, "Well the last time I did one of these jobs I got about $100,000!" |
Rooster replacement | |
| Banta was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Smack! The rooster disappeared under the car and up floated a cloud of feathers. Shaken, Banta pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. Banta, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back." |
Wrong answer | |
| Santa is sitting at the coffee shop, staring morosely into his coffee. Banta walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts, he asks Santa what the problem is. "Well," said Santa, "I ran afoul of one of those questions my wife asks. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Banta. "My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Banta. "You just say 'Of course I will!" "Yeah," said Santa, "that's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO.'" |
Ouststanding! | |
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots Santa standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to our Santa and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?" Santa replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field." |
Jumping Santa | |
| Santa was asked to try out a new parachute with a radio link to a guy on the ground, the guy on the ground would say when to pull the release cord for the parachute. Santa jumped out of the plane and started to fall when he reached a thousand feet the guy on the ground said ok pull the release cord now, Santa didn't take any notice and kept falling. He got down to 500 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord you are getting close, but Santa just ignored him and kept falling. He got down to 100 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord, Santa still ignored him. He got down to 10 feet, the guy on the ground said this is your last chance you'll be killed if you don't pull the cord now. Santa replied, "Thats ok. I can jump from here!!" |
Judicious decision | |
| Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers, Santa and Banta. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both, Santa and Banta squirmed uncomfortably. "You, advocate Santa, gave me Rs 60,000. And you, advocate Banta, gave me Rs 50,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Santa, and stated, "Now then, I'm returning Rs 10,000, and we're going to decide this case strictly on its merits." |
Memories of Santa | |
| A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed women and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms. "I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told his guide. The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the doctor. The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing, "Santa," she repeated over and over. "Oh, Santa!" "She was to marry a man named Santa," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day Santa ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad." They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, "Santa! Santa!" "Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost Santa also." "No," answered the doctor. "She's the one that got him!" |
Insulting mother-in-law | |
| When Santa came home, his wife, Jeeto, was crying. "Your mother insulted me," Jeeto sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the country?" Santa asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it said, 'Dear Jeeto, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'" |
Loving wife! | |
 Santa had been out for a few days due to ill health. At work Banta asked him how he was feeling?"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied. "Wonderful? How can the cold and fever be wonderful?" Banta asked Santa in stunned disbelief. "Well, I learned that my wife, Jeeto, really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'" |
Collateral? | |
| Santa applied for a loan of Rs 10,00,000. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What have you got for collateral?" "What's collateral?" "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicle?" "Yes, a Tata Sumo." The banker shook his head, "Any fixed assets, like land, house, building or...?" "Yes, I have five acres of land, and a small farm house." Finally, the banker decided to make the loan. Several weeks later, Santa was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Don't know." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked. "Don't know deposit." "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it, you can withdraw it." Santa leaned across the desk and asked, "What you got for collateral?" |
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