Santa Banta Funny Jokes

Would You Remarry?

Jeeto: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" Santa: "Definitely not!" Jeeto: "Why not - don't you like being married?" Santa: "Of course I do." Jeeto: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" Santa: "Okay, I'd get married again." Jeeto: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face). Santa: (makes audible groan). Jeeto: 'Would you live in our house?' Santa: 'Sure, it's a great house.' Jeeto: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?' Santa: 'Where else would we sleep?' Jeeto: 'Would you let her drive my car?' Santa: 'Probably, it is almost new.' Jeeto: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?' Santa: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.' Jeeto: 'Would you give her my jewellry?' Santa: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.' Jeeto: 'Would she wear my shoes?' Santa: 'No, her size is 6.' Jeeto: Silence................. Santa: 'Shit'.

Stuck on the seat

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."

The Last Chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

How do you like your eggs?

Santa and Jeeto got married. Santa thought this would be a modern marriage, which meant equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Santa brought Jeeto breakfast in bed. Jeeto wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, Santa brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jeeto wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please his wife, the next morning he brought his true love two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!" Jeeto was furious, "You idiot, you scrambled the wrong egg!"

Average Penguin Height

A man walks into a bar. He says to the barman, "How tall is a penguin?" The barman says about three feet. The man says, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!" The barman says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that." The man says, "Oh shit, in that case I just drove over a nun."

Horse Keeping

Banta wanted to board his horse. The first farmer he asked said he would keep it at Rs 250 a day, plus he would keep the manure. Banta thought that was too high and went to another farmer. His price was Rs 200 per day plus he would get to keep the manure. Then he went to Santa who asked just Rs 50 a day. Banta asked, "Don't you want to keep the manure?" Santa said, "At Rs 50 a day, there won't be any!"

Santa`s Furniture Business

Santa, a furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. Till this day, the Santa has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!

Santa at Magic Door

Santa took his wife and son into to the big city shopping one Saturday. As they approached town, they were astonished by the sky scrapers. Santa never having been to the big city himself decided to let the wife out at the local mall while he and the son did some sight- seeing. They entered a large building with an enormous lobby. The son noticed this door on the wall and ask Santa what it was for? Santa not knowing decided to get closer for better observation. A few minutes later a old lady with a cane comes over and presses a button located near the door, the door opens and the old lady enters a small room. The door proceeds to close and Santa and son stand there amazed as lights blink over the door when all of a sudden the door opens and a very beautiful young lady exits. Astonished, Santa looks at his son while scratching his head, and say's, "Son, I don't know what just happened, but run fast and fetch your mother."

Keeping Secrets

Jeeto complained to her friend Preeto "She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Preeto in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jeeto. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

Vegetarian Chicken

Each Friday night after work, Santa would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic." Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara, you are a potato and tomato"!

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