Santa Banta Funny Jokes Page(5)

Nature Calls

Banta's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot. When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere. Banta scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up. When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole. Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar. "What happened!?!" says Banta. The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"

Faithful Wife

Santa is talking to Banta about married life. "You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt." Banta says, "Yeah, I know what you mean." A couple of weeks later Santa has to go out of town on a business tour. Before he goes, he gets together with Banta. "While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt." Banta agrees to help out, and Santa leaves. Two weeks later he comes back and meets Banta, "So did anything happen?" "I have some bad news for you," says Banta. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt and then.... they turned off the light." "Then what happened?" says Santa. "I don't know. It was too dark to see." "Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."

Lost Tourist

A man from Lahore was touring Punjab and got lost. He saw Santa working in his field and stopped for directions. Santa told him how to get to Shimla. The man wanted to talk a bit so he asked Santa, "Is this your farm?" "Yep", Santa answered. "How big is it?" asked the tourist. "Well, it starts down the road there where the creek is and follows the creek up and over the hill to about where you can see that big tree. Then it runs across back of the barn to a big pile of stones up yonder and then down along the fence there to the road up that way." The tourist smiled and said, "Well, that's a nice place. Let me tell you about my place out in Lahore. I can get into my car and start out from one end of my property just as the sun is coming up in the east. I can drive all-day and just as the sun is setting in the west I reach to other end of my ranch. What do you think of that?" Santa thought for a second or two, and then said, "I had a car like that once."

Car Dents

Banta was driving back from Shimla when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hailstones the size of tennis balls pelted his car leaving it full of dents. He drove to the nearby automotive center and asked what he should do. The mechanic explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least Rs 5,000 to repair. Banta said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. He decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." Banta decided to give it a try before spending that much money. He drove home and was in the garage with his lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when his neighbour Santa came over to visit. "What are you doing?" asked Santa. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained Banta. "Well silly, it's not going to work," replied Santa. "Why not?" asked Banta. "Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

Sharing a Bed

Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?" "You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk. "Whatever, whatever you shay." So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door. "Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last." As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed. "Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta. "There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa. "Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Banta. They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor. "ALL RIGHT!!" Santa shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed." "You're lucky," says Banta, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more." "Well, never mind," says Santa, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."

Cross-Eyed Bull

Banta has a cross-eyed bull that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem. The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls' eyes will straighten out." The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The bulls' eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the bulls' eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at Banta and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try." Banta agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls' ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow. "Shit!!!" says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?" Banta replies, "You don't think I am going to put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."

Outhouse Hole

Santa and his wife, Jeeto, were living in a farm up in the hills. One day, Santa found that the hole under the outhouse is full. He tells Jeeto that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Jeeto says, "Why don't you go ask Banta down the road?" So, Santa goes down to Banta's house and asks him, "My outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." Banta tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole." Santa thanks him, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Jeeto comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite... shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite spreading shit all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Santa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Jeeto, are you all right?" As she pulls herself up she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."

Longer Days

A man was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at an engineering university. One afternoon, he was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, he started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As he was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices, Banta, came along. He asked him what he was doing. He patiently explained that if he heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so he could then remove it. "So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" Banta asked. Suddenly, an idea flashed into his mind, "Yes," he said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter." There was a long pause, then his face cleared, "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

Thai Restaurant

Santa and Banta, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Banta noticed Santa looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. "What would you like Santa?" he asked. "I’m looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish," Santa replied. "Santa, you like meat and potatoes. You won’t like that dish," Banta said. "What do you know," answered Santa, "I'm getting it." "Santa, I'm telling you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won’t like it!" Banta exclaimed. "I’m getting it and that is the last word!" says Santa. A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Santa looks down and his dish and says to Banta, “Where are my eggs?”

Santa`s Dream

Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor. Doctor: What was your dream about? Santa: I was being chased by a vampire! Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like? Santa: I was running in a hall way. Doctor: Then what happened? Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge! Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it? Santa: Yes it did. Doctor: And what did these letter spell? Santa: It said "Pull"

Page: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)