Santa Banta Funny Jokes Page(4)

Final Examination

Santa reported for his university final examination, which consists of "Yes/No" type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately flipping the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches his and asks what is going on. Santa replies, "I'm rechecking my answers and I don't think I did very good."

Best Friend

Banta is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. Santa happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Banta," says the shocked Santa, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, Banta replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But," says Santa man, "I'm your best friend!" Banta turns to Santa, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

Misunderstanding

The homeowner was delighted with the way Santa had done all the paintwork on his house. "You did a great job," he said as he handed Santa his fees. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra 500 bucks to take the wife out to dinner and a movie." Santa declined, saying, "No, I can't accept that." "I insist," said the man. "It would make me very happy if you do it." "Well," said Santa reluctantly, but with appreciation, "If you really don't mind it, I'll do it." Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was Santa, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers. Thinking that Santa had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you leave something behind?" "Nope," replied Santa. "I'm just here to take the wife out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

New Girls

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing. When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Nick! New arrivals.... want? 25% off now..."

Change of Mind

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?" The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

Suicide Bomber

Banta joins the suicide bomber squad, so when he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp. His leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications. He lands up in the enemy's camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now? Leader: No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers. Banta: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now? Boss: Wait for more. Banta: Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now? Boss: Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after. Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

Beer Bar

Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer. When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!" Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one." Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened. When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it. However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!"

Diarrhea Run

Pappu blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother, Jeeto, tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. He continues. "Pappu!" Jeeto screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually she leaves for a short trip to the store. Pappu starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Jeeto comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

Passionate Kisses

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Banta and his wife Preeto decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, Banta held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Preeto began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 10-15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, Preeto sat there - speechless. He looked over at Banta who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to Banta, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" Banta scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Free Beer

Banta owned a pub in the Ludhiana, and in the summertime a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table. This had been going on for about a month. Santa, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day. "I'm not giving you another free beer!" Banta hollered, as he noticed Santa. Santa was not without a plan, however. He approached Banta and offered him a deal. "I've been noticing these flies for the last weeks. If you'll give me a shot, I'll kill every one of them for you." Banta gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, Santa got up and headed for the door. "All right," he shouted, "send them out - one at a time!"

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