Top best Funny Hindi Jokes page(2)

Kya chaal hai tumhaari, jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, aao karein chat
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Aankhon ki zubhan wo samajh nahi pate,
Hoth magar kuch keh nahi pate,
Apni bebasi kis tarah kahe,
Koi hai jiske bina hum reh nahi pate
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Yaaro mere marne ke bad aasu na bahana,
Agar meri yaad aaye to upar chale aana

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Jo sadiyaon se hota aaya hai
Woh repeat kar doonga…
Tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey
Ctrl+Alt+delete kar doonga…
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Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain
Aur lonely hain…
Problem ye hai ki bus voh
READ-ONLY hain…
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Shayad mere pyar ko taste
karna bhool gaye…
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya
ke PASTE karna bhool gaye…

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Tumhare samne hain itney items
kabhi hame bhi pick karo…
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe
kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo…

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Tumse mila main kal to, mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to kehti ho: Your file not found!
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Roz subha hum karte hai
itne pyar se unhe good morning…
woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain
jaise 0 ERRORS but 5 WARNINGS…
Ho gayi galti humse, click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!
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लड़का  :  बहुत अच्छा ड्रेस पहना है  ....

लड़की  : सच  .....

लड़का  : लिपस्टिक भी बहुत अच्छी  है ....

.

.

....

लड़की  : .. Thank You .

लड़का  : मेकअप भी काफी अच्छा है ..♥ .. ♥ ..♥ ..

.

.

.

.

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लड़की  : Thank You !! भैया

लड़का : कमाल है ... फिरभी तुम  सुंदर नहीं दिख रही हो ...... 

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Top best Funny Hindi Jokes

Aaj …
Aaj…… Aaj Ek Sweater Aur Pehen Lo…
Aaj Ek Razai Aur Odh Lo… .
Aaj Ek Mufler Aur Lapet Lo…
Aaj Do Moze Aur Pehen Lo…
Aaj Ek Kehwa Aur Pii Lo…
Aaj Ek Heater Aur Chala Lo…
Kya Pata….
Kal Thand Ho Na Ho ! !!
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Ladka bola :
Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya hoga,
Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga.

Ladki boli:
Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi,
Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi.

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ladka bola :
kash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate,
bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate.

Ladki boli:
Bewkoof, Yeh bolana bhi paap hoga,
kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga.
Irshaad…..Irshaad…………..
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door se dekha to tera chehra nazar aaya
door se dekha to tera chehra nazar aaya
paas aane ki himmat hi nahi hui.
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Khud ko kar buland itnaa..
Ke’ Himaalay ki choti pe jaa pahunche..
Aur khuda tumse puche..
‘Abe gadhe… ab utrega kaise
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Aisa bhi nahin hai ke, I don’t like your face ,
Par dil ke computer mein, nahin hai enough disk space
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Tumse mila main kal to, mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to kehti ho: Your file not found!
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Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha
Paas gaya… to bheeg gaya…
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Tere pyaar ki roshni aisi hai ki
har taraf ujaala nazar aata hai
sochta hu ki ghar ki bijli katwa du
kambaqt bill bohat aata hai..
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Arz kiya hai…..
Aaj-kal aapke SMS aana band hai
wah wah! wah wah!
Aaj-kal aapke SMS aana band hai
khafa ho humse ya balance kam hai?
ha ha ha ha…..
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Best Funny SmS jokes and Sayings page(7)

Question : Why do girls close
their eyes while kissing a guy?
Guess…
Guess
.
.
.
Answer : Yeh ladkiyan ladkon
ko kabhi khush nahi dekh sakti.
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One boy went to meet his girlfriend
when he came back at home
mom asked
kahaan gaey they ?
boy:us se milney
mom: kis liye?
boy: haan bohat kiss liye

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Twinkle twinkle lazy star,
kitna soyega uth ja yaar,
up above the world so high,
Sun has risen in the sky,
uth ke jaldi pele chai,
then call me and say hi…
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Ek aadmi apni biwi ka antim sanskar kar ke, Ghar ja raha tha ke achanak bijli, Chamki, Badal garje, Zor se barish shuru hoi, Aadmi bola lagta hai pahunch gai.
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Dream makes everything possible, Hope makes everything work, Luv makes everything beautiful, Smile makes all the above… So always Brush ur Teeth
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Boy: I am not rich like rohit, I don’t even have a bid car like rohit. But I really love you! Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about rohit..
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Rose,Lotus,Tulips,Sunflower all flowers are nice and sweet but they have no comparison with U bcoz Gobhi ke phool ki to baat hi alag hoti hai…..

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Look at the world as one big chocolate cake.
It would never be complete without few sweets and nuts.
Sweets like ME and nuts like YOU.
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In a train, ticket checker to a saint: Ticket please!
Saint: I don’t have.
TT: Where do you want to go?
Saint: Lord Ram’s birth place, Ayodhya!
TT: Come, lets go!
Saint: Where?
TT: Lord Krishna’a birth place, Jail
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Best Funny SmS jokes and Sayings page(6)

2 friends,
“see” & “saw”:
1 day “see” saw sea & “saw” didnt see sea.
“See” saw sea and jumped in sea.
“Saw” didnt see sea but jumped in sea.
“See” saw “saw” in sea & “saw” saw “see” in sea.
“See” “saw” both saw sea & both “saw” & “see” were happy to see Sea.
That is how to exercise your brain..!
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READ THIS SCARY STORY IF YOU DARE.
On a rainy day,
an old man was standing with a book for sale.
A young man came to buy.
He bought the book for Rs.3000.
Old man advised
“DONT OPEN LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK othrwise YOU’ll face problem”
Man finished the book with great fear but didnt open the last page.
.
.
.
But,after a week,
Out of curiousity he opend the last page and..
he almost fainted to see..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Retail Price: Rs 30/-
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In a practical Exam
Examiner showed legs of bird n said:Tell the bird’s name
Sardar:I dont know
Exminer: U r failed.Wats ur name?
Sardar: You see my legs, and tell me.
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Sardar’s Friend: Yaar,
Last Year The Name Plate Outside Your House
Read Santa Singh, B.A.
This Year It Reads Santa Singh, M.A.
When Did You Finish Your Masters Degree?
Sardar: You Don’t Understand.
Last Year My Wife Died,
I Put B.A. To Indicate “Bachelor Again”.
Then I Took A Second Wife, So M.A. Is “Married Again”.
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Cutest Proposal –
A Boy Rings D Door-Bell Of A Girls Home.
&
Asks ,
“Do U Belive In Love At First Sight
Or
Should I Come Back Again..”
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The difference between scientific theory and reality
is like the difference between
reading the menu and eating dinner.
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Height Of Illiteracy:
You Take A Blade
And
Write Your Lover’s Name On Your Arm.
.
.
.
.
And
Make A Spelling Mistake.
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Once a sardar was looking at a WANTED poster & was
wondering -
Saala wanted tha to photo kheenchne ke baad use jaane
kyon diya ?
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Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR
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A sardarji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister….
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Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman..More fast? tell the woman to not to tell :p
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Morning Voices:
UK: hi dear
USA: good morning
China: mehow
Japan: shanhow
Itly: manichi
India: namaste
France: sanchay
and in Pakistan; uth kunjra 12 waj gayne!!!
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Best Funny SmS jokes and Sayings page(5)

U are a BITCH
Beautiful
Intelligent
Talented
Cute
Hilarious
r u smiling now?
?
?
?
*YOU ARE REALLY BITCH*
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Hey U Know
Which is the best day to propose a girl.. April 1
U Know Why??
If she accept its your luck
otherwise just tell April Foooooll.

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A ThermoMeter is n0t the 0nly thing
that gets a “DEGREE” without having a “BRAIN”…! :p
A silent msg f0r all studnts;-)
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Nobody teaches
Volcanoes to erupt,
Tsunamis to devastate,
Hurricanes to sway around
&
no one teaches
How to choose a Wife,
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.
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Ghalib ne girlfriend ko date per bulaya wo late aayi,
Girl: Am I late ?
Ghalib:
Falak pey chand sitaron ko neend aarahi hai,
Doosri ka time ho gaya hai, tu ab aa rahi hai.

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Husband wanted to call the hospital
to ask about his pregnant wife,
but accidently called the cricket stadium.
He asks, “How’s the situation?”
He was shocked & nearly died on hearing the reply.
They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out,
hope to get another 7 out by lunch,
last one was a duck!”..:-P
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Smile to old means Respect
Smile to child mean Innocence
Smile to friend means Care
Smile in front of mobile, a mental case!
Still smiling?
Mental ey oy
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Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend
“U r my Best Friend”
But
Do u have courage tell to ur Wife
“U r my Best Wife?”
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Misuse of English!
A Diagram in A Book Was Not Clear
So da Teacher Drew The Diagram On Da Blackboard
&
said:
“Dont Look At The Book Figure,Look At My Figure”:D
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Fact about women:
They can see a hair of a girl
on their husband’s coat from 20 meters,
but can’t see a pillar from 2 meters
while parking a car . . .

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Best Funny SmS jokes and Sayings page(4)

HEIGHT OF ILLITERACY

You Take A Blade And Write Your Lover’s Name On Your Arm.
.
.
.
.
And
Make A Spelling Mistake.
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“Interesting Confusions”
1. Can u cry under water?
2. Do fish ever get thirsty?
3. Why don’t birds fall out of trees when they sleep?
4. What do u call a male lady bird?
5. Why is it called building when it’s already built?
6. When they say dog food is new & improved in taste, who tastes it?
7. If money doesn’t grow on trees then why banks have branches?
8. Why does a round pizza come in sqaure box?
9.Why doesn’t glue, stick to its bottle;-)..!!

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ECG if u go out with wife
/l__,-.__/_,_,-.
ECG if u go out with girlfriend
_/l_/l_/l_/l_/_/_
ECG if wife catches u with girlfriend…
/________
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Sardar’s Friend: Yaar,
Last Year The Name Plate Outside Your House
Read Santa Singh, B.A.
This Year It Reads Santa Singh, M.A.
When Did You Finish Your Masters Degree?
Sardar: You Don’t Understand.
Last Year My Wife Died,
I Put B.A. To Indicate “Bachelor Again”.
Then I Took A Second Wife, So M.A. Is “Married Again”.
-------------------------
Cutest Proposal –
A Boy Rings D Door-Bell Of A Girls Home.
&
Asks ,
“Do U Belive In Love At First Sight
Or
Should I Come Back Again..”
-------------------------
The difference between scientific theory and reality
is like the difference between
reading the menu and eating dinner.
-------------------------

World’s smallest resignation letter?
Respected sir,
I love Ur wife.
Thank you
-------------------------
You know why women starts with ‘W’…
because all questions start with “W”.. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
Finally Wife..!!!
-----------------------

GIRL:My heart is like a mobile
and you are the sim card
BOY:I m very happy. . .
Gal:dont b too happy. . .
If I get a new offer
I will change the sim card..!
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Examiner:y r u under tension?
Did u forget admit card,ID,or calculator?
studnt:No Sir!
By mistake i have brought tomorrow
exam’s pharray (Cheating material) today:-)
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Best Funny SmS jokes page(3)

→ If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

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→ When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

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→ Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

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→ I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

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→ Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

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→ Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

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→ First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

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→ Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

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→ My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

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→ Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

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→ News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

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→ God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

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→ The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

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→ CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

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→ Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

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→ This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

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→ Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

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→ I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

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→ Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac? 

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→ Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

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→ I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

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→ There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

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→ What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that lil thing?

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→ What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him. 

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→ Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

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→ Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

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→ What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

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→ The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

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→ WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

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→ What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

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→ Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

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→ Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

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→ I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

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→ Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pushups in a cucumber field.

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Best Funny Bar Jokes

While ordering whisky..
Man on his right says “Johny Walker single”.

Man on his left says “Peter Scotch single”.
Sardar says – “Baljith Singh Married”

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
His wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She puts a worm in the water and it swims around.


She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “What do you have to say about this experiment?”
He responds by saying: “Well! If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!” :))
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There was a guy in a bar he got really drunk.When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her , then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said, “Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?”
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There’s this drunk man standing out on the street corner.
A cop passes by and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbour.”
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Bartender: What happened? You look wrecked!
Man: I had it all – Money, A beautiful house, The love of a beautiful woman…..

Bartender: Then… what went wrong?
Man: Well, then my wife found out! 
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Santa is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie.

It says, “I will give you three wishes.” Santa thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.”

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. Santa starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.
The genie asks about his next two wishes.
Santa says, “I want two more of these.”
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Top Funny One liner Jokes,quotes and sayings page(7)

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
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At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
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Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
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Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
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To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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It's O.K. to laugh during sex ... just don't point !
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They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
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Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
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The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
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Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
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What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
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If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
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Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.
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Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
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Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git".
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Top Funny One liner Jokes,quotes and sayings page(6)

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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Don't steal. That's the government's job.
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What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.
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Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
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Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
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Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

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Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car. 

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Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

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Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

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America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

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The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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Top Funny One liner Jokes,quotes and sayings page(5)

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
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Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
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Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
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100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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Top Funny One liner Jokes,Quotes and sayings page(4)

If winning isn't everything why do they keep scoring?
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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
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Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
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If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
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If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
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Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
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They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

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I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
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By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
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Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
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We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
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Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

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We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
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The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. :p
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Top Funny one liner jokes,Quotes and sayings page(3)

George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.
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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
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Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
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Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
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It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
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Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

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Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

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Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.

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Top Funny one liner jokes,Quotes and sayings page(2)

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

------------------------

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

------------------------

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

------------------------

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

------------------------

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

------------------------

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

------------------------

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

------------------------

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

------------------------

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

------------------------

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

------------------------

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

------------------------

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

------------------------

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

------------------------

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

------------------------

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

------------------------

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

------------------------

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

------------------------

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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Top Funny One liner Jokes,Quotes and sayings

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-------------------

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-------------------

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

-------------------

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

-------------------

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

-------------------

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

-------------------

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

-------------------

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

-------------------

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

------------------

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

------------------

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

-----------------

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 

-----------------

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

-----------------

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

-----------------

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

-----------------

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

-----------------

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

-----------------

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

-----------------

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-----------------

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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SmS Quotes and Sayings

Universal Truth-
Dnt be Upset if people prefers D another 1 than u..

bcuz

it Is Hard to Convince Monkeys... that strawberries are sweeter than bananas... :D
-----------------------------------
In The Race of life,
Dont worry of people Moving ahead of yOu..
take ur own time,but once you are ready to run.
make sure You are D Best!
------------------------------------
Without crossing the worst situations,
No one can Touch the best corners of lifE..
So do Not feel for anything,take it as it Comes!
------------------------------------
It is not necessary to share everything between true frnds,
But it is that; what you share must be true...
------------------------------------
Friendships never speaks Volumes,
It never demands Proof,
It never has a Happy ending Too,
Simply becuz It never Ends When Frnds are Ture!!!
------------------------------------
Good time,bad time,
Day time,night time
work time,off time
happy time,sad time,
In the mean time,
I miss You all the time..!
------------------------------------
take chances!tell D truth!
learn 2 say No!
spend ur money on things u luv!
gt to know sm1 random!
say i luv u to sm1 in life!
feel D true luv!
tell D idiot how he/she hurts u!
Abuse sm1 who desrves it!
Sit alone,watch d rain n Cry!
Laugh Till ur stomach pains!
Dance evn If yOu r too bad at iT!
Pose stupidly for photos!
hugg sm1 when dey need it,get 1 wen u desrves iT!
be naughty Like a child!
Live iT , LovE It!
Bcuz.. There Is No assurance Of Afterlife! :)
-----------------------------------
No matter how many cute faces you set ur eyes upon,
If you have already set ur heart for sm1,,,
u will hardLy nOtice thEm! :)
----------------------------------
We always Doubt the Positive,But r quite willing to accept d negetive,
If sm1 says I luv You!
we sAy reallY???
But if sm1 says I hAte yOu!
do we ever Inquire : R u Sure?!!!
----------------------------------
Experience Of life..
keep urself bzy wd one thing Or oTher..

cz a bzy person never has time to be Unhappy :))
----------------------------------
An Inspiring facT..
IF,u can smile wen u r completely Broken up..
den..

there can b nothing that can break You D next Time :))
-----------------------------------
Man in God's shop:what do U sell??
God: whatever ur heart desires..
man: i want happiness success and wealth..
God: smiled and said...

i sell Only SeeDs.. Not FruiTs :)
------------------------------------
frnds are like Shoes..
Some Loose,sm tight,
Some fits Just right..
they helps you as u walk through life..
so thanx for bEing My SIZE!!! ^_-
------------------------------------
One best book is equal to hundred good frnds..

but One good frnd is equals to a LibrarY! :))
------------------------------------
Friendship is Like playing on see-saw..
its not only for fun..
bt it means that...

"i Wont mind going down to see u rise with a smile."
------------------------------------
There is No difference between Complete & Finish..
buT

when u trust a right person u are Complete!
and when u trust a wrong person u are Finished!
-------------------------------------

Funny Bar Jokes

Did you hear about hte new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
---------------------- ---------
I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
-----------------------------------------------------------
All Lawyers are Assholes
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Extremely Drunk
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
-----------------------------------------------------------
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
------------------------------------------------------

Best Funny SmS Jokes Page(2)

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?" LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
---------

A Couple went 4 divorce, Judge asked the reason !
Girl: Sir I wanted This ====>
At least this ===>
But What is This ==>
Boy: Sir. I Wanted this ()
At least this ( )!(
But What Is This (   )....!
-------------
In the morning I do not eat because I think of you, at noon I do not eat because I think
of you, in the evening I do not eat because I think of you, at night I do not sleep because
I am hungry.
-------------
ku kata ka ka ku
ku ke ki ki ka ga
ga gi gu kaka ki
ki ki ka
Congratulations!
U have successfully learnt the monkey's language.
Come to Collect ur banana.
----------------

When you feel lonely, Cheer up! Just go to the mirror and say "Shit! I'm really so cute!" You'll overcome your sadness. But don't make it a habit cause liars go to HELL!
---------------
I wanted to tell you that I truly treasure our friendship- you mean a lot to me. You cry...I cry. You laugh..I laugh. You jump out of the window...I...I...I...look down and then I laugh again.
-----------------
You know what I pray to God everyday in the morning that everyone gets a friend like you. Why should only I suffer?
-----------------
I look at the stars, the stars are beautiful. I look at you..I....I...I'd rather look at the stars again!
-----------------
U picked me up,u took me home,u put ur hands around my waist,u took off my top,den u put ur lips om mine. THANK GOD im a bottle of PEPSI.
---------------


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Best Funny SmS Jokes

Everynite as i lie in my bed all i cis those sexy eyes, kissable lips, smooth skin, DROP DEAD gorgeous body!DAM. i've got 2 moveDAT MIRROR FROM MY CEILING
-------------
I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox! :p
--------------
This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience
-------------
i hve won a trip for me and 50 mates for 2 weeks aboard a luxury yacht in fiji, inclusive with ?1500 each speandin money.........can you feed my dog while i'm gon?
--------------
I was nervous at first, it was big & long it went straight up, i had 2 try it, i eased myself onto it i liked it. I went up & down on it .... NOW I LOVE ELEVATORS!
-----------------
What 2 things in the air can make a girl pregnant? HER FEET
------------------
A phone call is a form of communication,a kiss is a form of affection,a photo is a form of rememberance having me as a friend is a form of having good taste!
----------------
Last night, I wanted you, needed u so badly it hurt. I wanted to taste you, wanted you inside me so you could work your magic on me... but I couldn't find you...... you stupid asprin
-----------------
?i'd love to take u out 4 dinner, make u sit beside the candle light, shower uwith roses and utter those 3 magical words in ur ear "PAY THE BILL
-----------------
I have a confession to make
ever since i met u its been hard for me to 4get u
every night i see u in my dreams
and find myself shouting
GHOST GHOST
-----------
U have a brain disease. Your brain is in 2 parts, left and right. Left brain has nothing right in it and right brain has nothing left in it.
---------
Q: If a devil catches ur wife, wat wud u do?
A: U can do nothin. If devil has committed a mistake let him face the consequences.
-------------
God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
------------
Twinkle twinkle little star,
you should know what you are,
and once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far.
------------
Those beautiful eyes, that incredible body, such a brain, nice smile .... but that is enough about me, tell me how you are?
--------------
I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream! ;p
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Best Jokes Quotes and Sayings

You?d better not be a dayfly and not having your day.
----------------
?What he want, I do not want ... What I want, he does not want ... What we want, is not allowed
?
-----------------
Be nice to the ones who smoke.. every cigarette migh be their last
-----------------
Keep the school clean ... stay home!
-----------------
Be quiet in the classroom, respect the fact that others sleep!
-----------------
If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.
-----------------
What do I miss about my wife? Her absence.
--------------
The IDEAL man does not smoke, does not drink, does not flirt, goes to bed early, in short ... does not exist
--------------
Some people live because it is illegal to kill them!
--------------
Without the rubber tree the whole world would have AIDS :p
--------------
The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes
--------------
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
------------
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
-----------
Mobile phones are the only things in live of which men talk about having the smallest.
------------
When I was young I begged God for a bike, but God does not work that way... so I stole a bike and begged for forgiveness!
------------
No-one loves hard work more than the one who pays for it.
---------------
What do you have in common with your husband ? " We married on the same day."
---------------I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
-------------
Getting an other boyfriend or husband is like buying a house. You have to improve yourself.

Friendship Quotes and Sayings

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.
Elbert Hubbard 

A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for its justness and its sincerity.
Robert Hall 

A friend to all is a friend to none.
Aristotle 

A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely.
Pam Brown 

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
John D. Rockefeller 

A hug is like a boomerang - you get it back right away.
Bil Keane 

A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends.
Ralph Waldo Emerson 

A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.
Leo Buscaglia 

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.
Arnold H. Glasow 

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.
Buddha 

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.
George Washington 

But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.
Thomas Jefferson 

But friendship is the breathing rose, with sweets in every fold.
Oliver Wendell Holmes 

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Albert Camus 

Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends.
Shirley MacLaine 

Friends and good manners will carry you where money won't go.
Margaret Walker 

Friends are born, not made.
Henry B. Adams 

Friendship and money: oil and water.
Mario Puzo 

Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.
Aristotle 

Friendship is held to be the severest test of character. It is easy, we think, to be loyal to a family and clan, whose blood is in your own veins.
Charles Alexander Eastman 


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Friendship Quotes and Sayings Page(4)

True friends stab you in the front.
Oscar Wilde 

We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.
Joseph Roux 

When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
Edward W. Howe 

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
Henri Nouwen 

When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character.
W. Somerset Maugham 

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.
Aristotle 

Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend.
Oliver Wendell Holmes 

Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of.
Sarah Orne Jewett 

You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.
Laurence J. Peter 


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Friendship Quotes and Sayings Page(3)

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh 

Mighty proud I am that I am able to have a spare bed for my friends.
Samuel Pepys 

Never explain - your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
Elbert Hubbard 

Never have a companion that casts you in the shade.
Baltasar Gracian 

Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.
Plautus 

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.
Honore de Balzac 

One's friends are that part of the human race with which one can be human.
George Santayana 

She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.
Toni Morrison 

Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.
Margaret Lee Runbeck 

Since there is nothing so well worth having as friends, never lose a chance to make them.
Francesco Guicciardini 

The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship.
William Blake 

The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
Elbert Hubbard 

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.
Henri Nouwen 

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.
Henry David Thoreau 

The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.
Henry David Thoreau 

The only way to have a friend is to be one.
Ralph Waldo Emerson 

The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?
Eugene Kennedy 

The sincere friends of this world are as ship lights in the stormiest of nights.
Giotto di Bondone 

There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.
Thomas Aquinas 

Think where mans glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such friends.
William Butler Yeats 


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